Night of the Wolf
by Fada Soekja
Summary: Tonks and Lupin. Where it all began.
1. Chapter 1

1\. 1. The Full Moon

Nymphadora Tonks gathered her bag and her cloak, waved her wand vaguely in the direction of her desk so that the chaos of papers there jumped into small stacks and then turned to leave, nearly tripping headlong over a rolled up copy of the _Daily Prophet_ as she did so. Cursing under her breath she grabbed it off of the floor and crammed it into her bag. Then she exited the room, locking her cubicle door with a wave of her wand behind her. She had gotten off early today which was a good thing, seeing as how she could drop by Headquarters before she went on guard duty. Sirius would probably be cooking for only one tonight so she had better hurry to impose herself on him. After all, he was usually greatly cheered up these days at the prospect of any visitors at all. She headed down the long line of office cubicles, pausing only to call good evening to Kingsley who was dictating the contents of a memo to his quill. She glanced into Moody's cubicle as she passed but, as he was on guard duty at the moment, it was vacant. She caught a lift and headed towards the Atrium, absentmindedly altering the color of her hair to from snowy white to dark black as she did so and experimenting with options for noses for that evening until she settled on a long beak-like one, slightly wider than usual. The lift doors opened and she headed out, past the statue and off to the apparition zone. It was less crowded than it would have been had she not gotten off early but she still had to stand around for a few moments to wait her turn. She conversed briefly with Mafalda Hopkirk about nothing more interesting than interoffice weather before she noticed Rufus Scrimgeour not far away. He looked around at her at almost the exact moment she noticed him and Tonks looked away quickly, redoubling her interest in Mafalda's excitable comments about torrential downpours on in the Department for Magical Creatures.

"Well, I've got to be off. Have a good evening," she said, excusing herself quickly and turning on the spot. It was best to avoid Scrimgeour these days. He had taken to seeking her out recently, asking unsettling questions about her views on pointed topics such as the _Daily Prophet_ , the recent breakout from Azkaban, and Dolores Umbridge's new policies at Hogwarts. Tonks had so far managed to find reasons to escape answering most of these queries to any significant degree but she wasn't sure how long she would be able to avoid them. Up until now her involvement with the Order hadn't been detected by any high-ranking Ministry members as far as she knew, but it was only a matter of time the way things were going.

Tonks appeared on a sidewalk a few blocks away from #12 Grimald Place. She didn't like to apparate too close to Headquarters and always altered her appearance when she needed to go there. She did a few last minute jawline transformations and then straightened up and looked around. No one was in the immediate area except for two muggle children a few houses away playing football in the front yard. Tonks preformed a few hasty spells under her breath to ensure she wasn't under surveillance and then headed up the street, appearing to anyone around as a dark and sallow young woman, not unlike, she realized with a snort of laughter, a strange female version of Severus Snape.

She reached #12 Grimald Place and knocked three times upon the door, switching her hair back to bubblegum pink as she did so and shrinking her nose back to normal size. Upon finding no response, she rang the doorbell and waited. Serious answered a few moments later.

"For the last time," he growled, upon seeing who it was. "Just come in the house, don't ring the doorbell. Then my dear old mother doesn't have to strain herself too much."

"Sorry Sirius, I wasn't thinking," Tonks said quickly, stepping over the threshold. She waited for her cousin to close the door again and then headed down the hallway, trying to keep as quiet as possible. She was almost past the danger zone when her toe connected with a slightly raised floorboard and she stumbled, letting out a loud cry of pain and the house was suddenly alive with the shouts of the drooling, contorting portrait of Mrs. Black, shrieking insults to her as she hooped on the spot.

"Blood traitors and beasts! Bowels of dishonor! Filth! Scum!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Sirius!" Tonks called over the clamor, her toe throbbing as she directed her wand at the portrait. The curtains flew back across the crazed face and Sirius shoved her off again.

"You know, I think it might be best if I levitate you across the hallways from now on," he said sardonically, the moment they could talk freely again.

Tonks sighed as they made their way into the dining room. She saw immediately that Sirius wasn't alone for dinner that night at all but that Lupin was sitting at the table, an untouched bowl of soup before him. He looked a bit moody which surprised her somewhat. She had rarely ever seen Lupin in a very bad mood before now.

"Watcha Remus," she said, trying to inject an uplifting note into her voice.

"Good evening. Thought it might be you," Lupin replied smiling faintly for the briefest moment before gazing back into his uneaten soup.

Sirius, seeming quite unconcerned with the rather dull atmosphere his friend was producing, slid a bowl of steaming stew in front of Tonks as well and then sat down across from her at the table, looking grim.

"Any news?"

Tonks shrugged, taking a bite of soup. "Not anything new," she said, glancing at Lupin. "Dear aunt Bella's not been seen since the breakout. And of course no one at the Ministry seems to be taking it the way they should. They all think that lot's just a bunch of renegades, don't they? No idea they're actually joining in with the rest of the Death Eater's fun."

Sirius nodded sourly. "Yeah, Arthur's just left and he said about the same. You on guard duty tonight then Tonks?"

"Yes," Tonks replied, taking another bite. "Mad Eye is supposed to be on duty until 6, then it's my turn until 4 in the morning. I'll be coming back by here if it's no trouble Sirius."

"Of course, of course," Sirius nodded, lacing his fingertips together and looking vaguely cheered. "It'll be you and Moony for breakfast then."

They passed a few moments in silence before there was the unmistakable sound of a ringing doorbell and Mrs. Black's shrieks filled the house again.

"What in blazes now?" Sirius snarled, standing up and rushing out of the dining room.

Tonks continued to consume her bowl of soup for a few moments as the wailing continued but looked up after they heard Sirius subdue his mother's portrait.

"How have you been Remus?" Tonks asked, noting Lupin's increasingly shabby-looking appearance.

"I've been…alright," he said in a measured voice, not looking at her.

"You seem a bit off. Hey I thought you were going abroad this week to talk to that werewolf from Greece. That change?"

"I decided to go next week instead," Lupin replied, shrugging. "A better time for him and me, actually."

Tonks eyed him for a few more moments. "You're staying here with Sirius then?" she asked.

"Yes. It's the best place for certain, ah, certain work to be done."

Tonks stared at him with a puzzled expression until Lupin, perhaps noticing her prolonged silence, looked up and her and twisted his face into a dejected smile. "It's just one of the small inconveniences of being a werewolf," he said, glancing up at the ceiling. "Full moon tonight," he added as Tonks continued to look confused.

"Oh," Tonks said, brought up short. "I forgot, I mean, I hadn't looked at the moon yet today," she said rather stupidly, blushing slightly.

"Most people wouldn't ever bother," agreed Lupin callously. "Me on the other hand…"

He trailed away and Tonks cast about for something to say. She had never talked to Lupin much about his identity as a werewolf, not since the first time he had told her he was one. She didn't want to sink him further into depression about it but curiosity was burning at her all the same.

"You drink the Wolf's Bane Potion then?" she asked, trying to sound conversational, as though she often interviewed werewolves about their transformations.

"Yes," Lupin said, nodding. "Severus agrees to make it for me when I require it. That reminds me." He pulled out a small flask, rather like the one Moody often swigged from on a regular basis. He unscrewed it, a slightly revolted look upon his face and took a long draft, coughing and quickly taking a drink of water the moment he had finished it.

"I'm guessing that tastes less good than pumpkin juice," Tonks said, trying to crack a joke.

Lupin smirked at her and grimaced. "It is rather detestable. Severus could poison it very easily if he wanted to and I wouldn't know the difference."

"How long will you be, ah, transformed?" Tonks asked after a moment, when Lupin had replaced the flask and begun to toy with his soup again.

"From about the time you get on guard duty to about when you get off. The nights are a little longer at this time of year, I might still be transformed when you get back."

Tonks fidgeted for a moment with her spoon and then burst out, "I'll come find you when I get back. I mean,"

Lupin had looked up at her sharply, a very strange expression on his face.

"I-I'll brink you some tea," Tonks said lamely, blushing hard.

Lupin laughed, his face brightening for the first time that night. "Tonks, you're very kind, but I don't think you'll want to hang around me once I'm transformed."

"But you won't be dangerous right?" she asked nervously.

"No no, the potion works wonderfully to that effect. It's just I'm not very good company, really and not much to look at either," he added, still smirking at her. "You'd do better to stay away."


	2. Chapter 2

1\. 2. Guard Duty

Tonks thought about these words all the ways back to the Ministry as she walked back out of #12 Grimald Place and disapparated just beyond the sidewalk. She felt a strange desire not to leave at all, what with leaving Lupin looking so depressed behind her, but there was no choice. Guard duty was her number one priority. She arrived back in the Atrium, now fuller, with more people angling to head home for the evening and headed down to level 9 where the Department of Mysteries was located. The lift opened onto a long dark passageway that ended in a plain black door at the end. It was this that Tonks had been set to guard, this door was her charge. She knew that Moody was here somewhere, hidden from view beneath the invisibility cloak. She waited patiently for him to appear and, after a moment, he did so, holding his wand upright and glaring at her with his normal eye, his electric blue one spinning in every direction.

"Identify yourself," he growled.

In a routine sort of way, Tonks forced her ears to lengthen, her chin to widen and her face to stretch. She then sprouted a magnificent mane of auburn red hair and sent her nose outward until it resembled that of an aardvark.

"I'd like to see a Death Eater pull that off," she said, smiling at Moody.

He grunted and then shoved the silvery cloak into her hand. "Kingsley will be here to relieve you around 4. Good luck. Remember, keep your wand out. Constant vigilance."

"Thanks, I had almost forgotten," Tonks said, waving to him over her shoulder as she threw the cloak around herself. And now she waited.

There wasn't a lot to do while on guard duty. She sat down against the wall next to the door and held her wand loosely in her hand, fighting the urge to lay back and take a nap. It was an eerie job, sitting and waiting for who knew what to come down here and attempt to get past this door. It had been made ten times worse by the recent attack of You-Know-Who's snake on Arthur Weasley. And Dumbledore had said that You-Know-Who had been inside the snake at the time.

It gave Tonks a cold plunging feeling to think about this, so she tried to find something more constructive to do. She took out the copy of the _Daily Prophet_ she had brought from work and, little though Moody would have approved, began to peruse it, glancing up every minute or so for signs that someone might be coming down this way. But there wasn't another sign of life except for herself. Unspeakables would sometimes exit the Department of Mysteries at this hour, but she didn't even see one of them. The minutes dragged on. Tonks read every article of the _Prophet_ twice as she tried to kill time until finally she glanced at her watch and saw that is was nearly 10 o'clock and decided she couldn't face reading another fabled piece on how the rebel leader Sirius and the recently escaped Death Eaters had been spotted in a pub in Scotland. It was complete rubbish anyways. She stretched and yawned, standing up and taking a few laps around the hallway to give herself something to do.

With a jolt, she realized that the full moon must be quite high in the sky right about now and that Lupin had likely transformed into his other form. It gave her an odd and empty feeling to think of him alone in a room, somewhere in that dismal house, laying on the floor like an animal and waiting as well, waiting for the night to be over, for salvation to come again. Her heart fluttered a bit as she wondered what Lupin was thinking about, if by any possibility, his own thoughts had strayed to her in that moment as well. She had known Lupin for a while, at least known him in passing. They had met through Moody a few years ago and had spoken a few times before they had both become members of the new Order of the Phoenix. They had become closer since then, having worked and lived together at times. Lupin was a rather closed book about himself, although he proved an excellent companion on missions or simply at meal times. He was a veritable treasure trove of knowledge, particularly about dark creatures, academia and a variety of interesting magical topics. He even humored Tonks in few discussions about Quidditch, though he admitted freely that Sirius would have been better for that sort of thing. He was also exceptionally kind and considerate of other people. Never once had Tonks ever felt that he judged her for her strange styles, her young age or her inexperience.

Tonks shook herself and returned to her seat next to the closed door. What on earth was she doing, thinking about Lupin like this? She was acting like an immature school girl. Yet at the same time she wondered, almost hopefully, if Lupin had ever thought of her as very interesting.

Tonks managed not to nod off during the night but it was a near thing. She was supremely relieved to see Kingsley making his way towards her at exactly 3:58 in the morning, his wand held out in front of him.

"Identify yourself!" she called to him, raising her wand. After he had given her a satisfactory response, Tonks removed the cloak and handed it over.

"No trouble?" Kingsley asked in his deep, slow voice.

"Nothing," Tonks yawned. "I'll see you later Kingsley. Good luck!"

She practically flew back down the hallway and off into a lift. For some reason, she felt rather urgent to return to #12 Grimald Place, which was strange because she normally felt absolutely no urgency to get to the place any quicker than she needed to. Ten minutes later, after altering her appearance to resemble that of an elderly woman, Tonks trotted up the block, the bright moonlight dancing across her hair and stopped in front of the door to the house. Instead of ringing the doorbell this time she simply unlocked the door and let herself inside. It was dark and she lit her wand wordlessly and shuffled inside, locking the door behind her. Taking even more care than usual, she passed the picture of Mrs. Black and headed for the kitchen. It was completely empty but Sirius had kept a light on and had piled some blankets for Tonks to use to take a nap. He must have long since gone to sleep, she thought.

Tonks sat down heavily, weariness pulling at her to sleep but for some reason, she couldn't quite nod off. She made herself a cup of tea after a few minutes of sitting around aimlessly, her heart beating uncomfortably, a strange agitated sensation washing through her. She felt antsy, so much so that she couldn't sit still. She kept thinking of Lupin, of how she would have felt had she been in his position, of how badly she wanted to see him, and of the warning he had given her shortly before she left. _You'd do better to stay away_.

"Screw that," Tonks said under her breath and she stood up suddenly. Lupin was her friend. If she wanted to spend time with him, she would. She knew Lupin usually stayed in one of the bedrooms when he was at #12 Grimald Place. Seizing a wad of blankets in her arms, she headed recklessly off up the stairs, trying not to make too much noise.

When she turned onto the landing and saw the closed door where Lupin normally stayed, however, she lost a bit of her nerve. He was in there, she had no doubt, sleeping perhaps, if he could sleep while transformed. He wouldn't look like Lupin at all, she realized with a pang of unease, but a fully grown werewolf. Tonks had seen pictures of them before, but never one in person. Being a metamorphmagus herself, she was somewhat looser about the idea of people not always looking the same, but this was something different all together. It took all her effort to walk towards the door and reach her hand out in the darkness to feel for the doorknob. When she found it, she tried to turn it quietly but it was locked. Reaching a slightly shaking hand into her robes, she pulled out her wand and pointed it at the door. There was a small click and it swung inwards.

The room wasn't big, somewhat empty feeling though, as there was only a single bed located to one side and some furniture on the other. Moonlight was spilling in through an open window. Tonks gazed around for a moment, wondering where Lupin was. She was on the verge of calling out to him when something moved to her left and she realized, with a thrill of fright that what she had taken as furniture was actually only a small chair and a much more massive shape behind it. She caught in her breath.


	3. Chapter 3

1\. 3. The Moonlit Room

Lupin the werewolf was much larger than she had anticipated. He was easily as big as the biggest dog she had ever seen and had oddly elongated limbs and a long neck and face. Bristled hair covered most of his completely naked body, dark and matted in places. He had been curled on the floor, head on paws but when Tonks had opened the door, he had raised his head. Tonks was face to face with him and it was a terrible sight. His face was hairy and his jaws long and powerful. His ears were short compared to that of a dog's and he had a stunted and jagged tail. Then there were his eyes.

If it hadn't been for the clear look of blatant astonishment Lupin was giving her right now, Tonks would probably have bolted. But the werewolf was Lupin precisely in the eyes. He could not have looked more shocked as a human being. Taking her courage from this, Tonks took a step forwards, holding out her arms, still full of blankets.

"Well, I forgot the tea, but I brought these instead," she croaked, her throat slightly constricted.

Lupin's expression turned from shock into confusion so clearly that Tonks almost laughed at the comical expressions stretching the werewolf's face. She began to walk over to him but by this time, Lupin appeared to have caught on to her intentions for he put his ears back and raised his lips, his massive teeth flashing in the moonlight. A low growl rumbled up from his chest.

Tonks stopped dead, her heart beating rather fast. She hadn't thought for a moment that the Wolf's Bane Potion hadn't worked but a momentary terror washed over her then, making her unable to move a muscle. Lupin had gotten to his feet and was backing away, his tail between his legs, his eyes flashing with a combination of anger, confusion and what was clearly fear. Tonks could only watch him, at a loss for what to do. Why was he behaving like this? What did he think she was going to do?

Lupin reached the far wall, glowering at Tonks and then shook his head violently in the direction of the door. Apparently unable to talk, he jerked his head again, his whole body seeming tense and ready for flight.

Tonks understood what he wanted in that moment and stared at him. He was telling her to leave. All at once, she realized that Lupin was afraid, not of the fact that he was a potentially dangerous werewolf, but because he didn't want her to see him like this. Tonks let out all her breath in one long stream and straightened up, gripping the blankets even tighter to her chest.

"Cut it out," she snapped, more harshly than she had intended. Lupin stopped growling and stared at her again, his expression slack and now containing only fear. Tonks turned and closed the door behind her and then marched over to the bed, laying the blankets down on it.

Lupin watched her carefully, cowering by the window. He started to growl when she got close and Tonks glared at him, stopping two feet away.

"Don't be ridiculous Remus," she said loudly, her hands on her hips. "You try to scare me again and I'll hex you."

This seemed to shut Lupin up. He stared at her, docile, but still tried to shrink away when she reached a hand out towards him. Tonks sighed.

"I thought you could use some company, that's all, and so could I. I've just been at the Ministry all night and I'm tired and I can't think straight and I just wanted to see a friendly face, alright? And I wanted to make sure you were alright," she said, feeling heat rising in her face. "I thought, if you needed anything."

She stopped, her throat feeling rather hard. She blinked rapidly for a few moments, clenching her fists. Lupin's look was blank.

"I'll be downstairs," she said after a moment, turning on her heel and starting towards the door.

There was a loud yelp. Tonks swung back around and, in doing so, tripped over her own feet. In a rush of scratching and clawing, the werewolf flew towards her ungainly, ending up directly next to her as she staggered. She stretched out a hand and caught hold of Lupin's bony shoulder, managing to right herself just in time. She stood up straight, breathing rather loudly and stared at Lupin.

Lupin made the strange yelping sound again, except this time followed it up by several whines. Tonks looked into his face and saw that the fear had been replaced with a look of concern, and perhaps uncertainty. He nosed her side and looked up at her, looking at a loss.

"Thanks Remus," she said, slapping her hand across his hairy back in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. "Alright if I stay then?"

Lupin merely blinked at her as she sank down upon the bed without waiting for an answer, drawing her knees up to her chest burying her face in her hands. She had spent so much time thinking about Lupin these days, but what on earth was she doing? She felt like a rash and irresponsible child.

For a moment, there was complete silence in the room. Then Tonks heard a loud swooshing sound beside her. She looked up to see that Lupin had leapt onto the bed and was attempting to pull the blankets towards her, though it was proving difficult as he had limited use of his hands. Tonks reached over to help him and Lupin watched as she pulled the blankets down and then pulled one over her knees, tossing one across his back. He gave her what only could be described as a half amused, half exasperated look as he settled himself next to her. She gazed at him and then placed a hand on his neck hesitantly. He twitched but didn't protest.

Together they sat, side by side staring into the empty and gloomy room. Tonks felt angry with herself, miserable at the way this encounter had turned out and tired beyond all belief. She wished she hadn't imposed herself. Lupin was right, she would have done better to stay away. She was just a nuisance to him anyways. Why had she ever thought he might be pleased to see her tonight? Had she thought he would take comfort in her presence? She, whom he could hardly consider more than a bright-eyed newcomer to the war he had been fighting for years before her, a simple novice.

She half wanted to leave but to do so would have shown even less tact than she had already displayed thus far. So she sat and tried not to nod off against the wall by the bed. She might have succeeded in staying awake except for the furry head that landed in her lap a second later, startling her out of her self-conscience state. Lupin had just curled up next to her and laid his head in her lap, an act Tonks could never have dreamed of occurring. She caressed the top of his head, brushing back his ears in a bemused sort of way. The last thing she recalled was the sound of soft breathing as her mind slipped into sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

1\. 4. Breakfast

She awoke what felt like an entire day later, squinting her eyes at the bright sunlight now filling the room. Someone was stirring feebly beside her. She looked down and saw that Lupin had returned to his normal state, his face and jaws mercifully shrunk back to their normal proportions. He looked terrible. There were cuts and bruises across much of his face and neck and dried blood covered his chin and forehead. He seemed to still be asleep, she saw from where she had awkwardly fallen asleep against the wall. His eyes were closed and his face, though tormented, looked oddly peaceful as he lay there. For a moment, Tonks forgot about the werewolf transformation business and simply gazed at him. Then he spoke out of nowhere.

"You're rather crazy, do you know that Tonks?"

She jumped in shock. Lupin had seemed completely out of it.

He opened his eyes a fraction and looked up at her, his face now looking worse than ever, and upset. "What were you thinking?"

"I-" Tonks didn't know what to say. She hadn't been thinking, that was the honest answer, but had merely been feeling. "I don know Remus, I was worried about you."

"I do this every month Tonks, I'm no stranger to it," Lupin said, groaning a little as he sat up. "It is a most unpleasant experience, one that I don't usually wish others to partake in."

"Sirius and James used to go with you every time back when you were a kid, didn't they?" Tonks said, glaring at him. "And you were still dangerous then too."

Lupin sighed. "That was different. It was an adventure to us all, and an act of mercy on their parts. They were my greatest friends, and the only people who have ever desired to share that time with me to this day."

"I'm your friend too," Tonks said stubbornly. "I wanted to help."

Lupin shook his head. "I never wanted you to have to see _that_."

Abruptly Tonks became aware of the fact that he was completely naked under one small, ragged blanket and blushed. "I know that, but I felt terrible last night. I couldn't stand it!"

And now she was looking at him full in the face, her eyes flashing, staring at him imploringly. "I couldn't stand not seeing you!" she almost shouted, feeling her eyes stinging.

Lupin gazed at her in silence, his mouth slightly open, as though he had been rendered speechless. Then he looked away quickly. For a moment, neither of them spoke. Tonks was finding Lupin's nudity to be rather distracting in a way she hadn't really forseen. And just as she had feared, Lupin had found her intrusion to be irksome and unnecessary. _Why had she done it?_ Finally, Lupin spoke.

"I appreciate the gesture, I really do Tonks. I-you don't know how many nights like this I've spent alone, inside my own head, just waiting for the moon to set, for it to be over. It was a relief, to be honest."

Tonks stopped feeling awkward and stared at him. Lupin was actually grinning, his eyes closed. "I couldn't believe it when you came in, I thought I was dreaming or something. It-you're an incredible person, you know that? Anyone else would have run in an instant. You stayed."

Lupin turned to her, smiling shyly. He took her hand in his. "I really don't regret it at all, so long as you're ok."

Tonks felt like she had been struck dumb. She couldn't speak, and in any case, had no idea what to say to that. She was just wishing that they could sit like this all morning when Lupin glanced down at himself and appeared to realize that he was still naked.

"Oh."

Tonks burst out laughing. She sprang up, suddenly much more cheerful and grabbed up Lupin's scattered clothing, handing it to him as he looked away from her, pink-faced.

"Sorry about that," he said as he pulled his pants on hurriedly.

"It's fine, I'm not one for modesty anyways," Tonks replied to a pair of raised eyebrows from Lupin.

Lupin dressed in silence as Tonks faced the opposite wall. When he had finished, she glanced around to see him watching her in a somewhat curious way.

"What?" she asked, feeling rather on the spot.

"I was just thinking…ah, nothing, never mind."

"What?" Tonks asked imploringly.

Lupin shook his head. He was looking rather uncomfortable again. "Let's go see Sirius, he'll be making breakfast by now."

Tonks continued to pester Lupin over his unsaid thoughts but he refused to budge. He continued to look awful as they made their way downstairs, moving slowly because it was clear Lupin was somewhat weakened from his transformation.

"Morning," Sirius greeted them both as they entered the room.

Lupin winced as he sat down, feeling his face and breathing shallowly.

"How was it?" Sirius asked, setting a basin of steaming water in front of him, several towels next to it and a large mug of hot tea for them both.

Lupin sighed as he began to cleanse himself of the dried blood from his wounds. "Livable," he said at last. "Very quiet. I even slept a little. And Tonks brought me some blankets," he added casually.

Sirius glanced at Tonks in surprise and she carefully avoided his eyes, trying instead to focus on her tea. There was something both knowing and judgmental in the look he was giving her. He didn't comment, which she was grateful for. It wouldn't have been the first time her cousin had poked fun at her for her taste in men. At least he had the tact to change the subject.

"Arthur said he'll be dropping by around this morning. He wanted to catch up, not that much has changed." Sirius glared moodily at his tea. He stood up abruptly, apparently remembering he was serving them breakfast and waved his wand absently, causing a large platter of biscuits followed by a tureen of gravy to come flying towards them. Sirius handed around plated and cutlery and then doled himself out a serving after neither Tonks nor Lupin made any move to reach for food. Lupin was looking grimmer than ever and was sitting hunched, his palms cupped around his mug of tea, not drinking.

"Kreacher!" Sirius bellowed out of nowhere, startling them both.

There was no answering scuffle from the cabinets or the other nearby rooms.

"Blast elf," Sirius muttered. "He's been ignoring me all morning. I'm going to go find him, I'll be back."

He left the table without another word. Tonks glanced up at his departure and then looked down again. She felt rather awkward, as though something unsaid had passed between Sirius and Lupin that she had missed. She sat silently for a minute more and then, suddenly remembering that she had to be at the Ministry in half an hour, she seized a few biscuits and doled gravy across them.

"Tonks," Lupin said quietly from the other side of the table.

"Eh?" Tonks asked, glancing up, her mouth full of food.

Lupin hesitated, looking as though he was measuring his response. "I'm not sure how to say this exactly," he muttered unhelpfully. "I guess I just want to make sure I didn't give you the wrong idea."

Tonks stared at him, her mouth bulging, dreading what was about to be said. At that moment, however, there came the sound of the doorbell, followed almost immediately by the sound of Mrs. Black's torrential admonitions of blood traitors and mudbloods. Tonks sighed in relief and stood up to receive their guest which turned out to be Arthur Weasley. She guided him to the table, where he sat down and shed his outer coat and scarf, looking almost as tired as Lupin.

"Arthur, how are you feeling?" Tonks asked, noticing he still looked under the weather from his recent near death experience.

"I'm managing," Author said, smiling at her. "I've just been up half the night trying to find out what went wrong with a Muggle elevator in Bristol. Someone appears to have bewitched it to take anyone who enters it fifty meters underground. It's been a catastrophe. Ah well. How are you both?"

"I've been better," Remus said, managing a small smile.

"Ah, I forgot." Arthur looked at him in some concern. "I'm surprised to see you up and about Remus. Perhaps some rest?"

"Perhaps so," Lupin replied, rising gingerly to his feet. "In fact I think I'll go turn in. Arthur, Tonks." He nodded to both of them and squeezed Tonks's shoulder briefly before heading back upstairs.


	5. Chapter 5

1\. 5. The Dispute

Tonks sat and chatted with Arthur for a few minutes before she stood up, knowing she needed to get to work soon. Sirius returned just as she was getting up to leave.

"Find him?" she asked.

"No," Sirius said, frowning slightly. "It's not like him. Well, no matter, he's probably stealing more of Regulus's old Quidditch cards or something."

"Thanks for breakfast Sirius," Tonks said, waving at him and tripping over her chair as she stepped into the hallway.

"I'll walk you out," Sirius said quickly, which surprised her.

They left the room, tiptoeing towards the door, which Sirius unlocked and opened for her. He then exited behind her and closed it again.

"Sirius, you shouldn't be out here-" Tonks began but Sirius overrode her.

"Tonks, you might want to think about what you're doing."

Tonks stared at him, nonplused. "Which is?"

"You know what I mean," Sirius said impatiently, glancing around the street outside, which was deserted. He seemed agitated, a feeling which seemed to have intensified since breakfast. "Remus has got a lot on his plate at the moment."

Tonks glared at him. "It's none of your business," she began hotly. "But Remus and I are just friends, alright?"

Sirius grunted impatiently. "I've seen the way you look at him."

Tonks flushed and felt her pulse pick up. "You jumped every girl in your year Sirius, you're one to talk."

"This isn't a debate about morality," Sirius barked, taking a step towards her. "Remus hasn't found a lot of love in his life, Tonks. He's a very dear friend and frankly, I don't think you would be right for him."

"Right for him!" Tonks almost shouted. "Who are you to decide that? I've got as much right to see him as anyone else. Why shouldn't we be together?"

Sirius observed her coolly. A cat meowed distantly and a car swung out of the drive next door. Finally Sirius said, "I'm not saying you aren't a good friend to him but I've seen him hurt by women before Tonks and it's brutal on him. I just don't want him to get hurt again."

"What do you think I'm going to do Sirius?" Tonks snapped. She balled her hands into fist, feeling angry enough to hit her cousin. "I saw him last night, alright, and I stayed with him and I'd do it again."

Sirius looked as though she had just slapped him in the face. He opened his mouth and clenched his jaw several times.

Tonks sniffed. "I've got to be going, I'm gonna be late." She turned on the spot, vanishing into thin air.


	6. Chapter 6

1\. 6. Advice

Tonks felt wretched for the remainder of the morning. The argument with Sirius had shaken her to the point where she now seriously doubted whether she should proceed with any sort of relationship with Lupin that might be considered more than casual friendship. The way Sirius had put it sounded like Lupin had been in some terrible relationships in the past. Tonks had never gotten around quite as proficiently as Sirius had done in his prime, but she had dated her fair share of men and never experienced anything worse than one extremely long breakup. Suddenly she was wondering if the whole thing might go badly wrong.

She was so distracted that she hadn't even noticed her hair color was changing every few moments in conjunction with her changing moods. She was desperately tired as well. Luckily she didn't have guard duty again until tomorrow night, so she might at least sleep tonight.

She took lunch with several of the other young aurors in her block, trying to distract herself from her plight but it was useless. By the time she returned to her cubicle, she felt ready to scream. She was just trying to focus on her work when Mad Eye Moody dropped by, his wooden leg announcing his arrival with a dull _thump_ every other step.

"Here," he said, without preamble, handing Tonks a file and leaning against the wall of her cubicle. Tonks barely glanced at the file and didn't even look at Moody. Her ears seemed to be ringing. She barely heard what her superior was saying to her.

"And I'll need that report by Monday," Moody finished, turning to leave.

"Report?" Tonks said, jogged suddenly from her preoccupation. "What report?"

Moody turned back, glowering at her with his good eye while his magical one bounced around her office. "The report on this evidence that the Imperius curse was used on these two officials last week, the file I just gave you." Moody narrowed his eyes. "Are you paying attention to me?"

"Sorry Mad Eye," Tonks apologized. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

Moody stared her down coolly. Tonks reddened slowly, feeling even worse than before. Finally Moody spoke. "Not anything life-threatening, I hope," he growled slowly.

"I'm fine," Tonks muttered.

"Well whatever's on your mind, I suggest you separate it from your work and your other _engagements_. Otherwise, we will need to talk about your current position. Are we understood?"

"Yes," Tonks said, her eyes downcast, her fists clenched. "I'll have that report by Monday."

The moment Moody walked away, Tonks punched her desk where the file lay. Her eyes watered at the pain she had inflicted on her fist but at the same time, some small clarity came to her. Moody was right, she had to figure out what she was going to do. She couldn't obsess over the situation with Lupin. She had to work with him after all, and whatever her feelings, that _engagement_ as Moody called it, couldn't be compromised.


	7. Chapter 7

7\. Butterbeer

It was late by the time Tonks arrived two blocks away from #12 Grimald Place that evening. Snow was falling silently about her and the air was chill and frosty. She had tarried longer than usual in her office, sorting through old files, examining the case Mad Eye had given her, all in a vain attempt to ignore the most unpleasant conversation she was about to endure. This wasn't school after all, she lived in the real world. A world in which, she feared, Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin remained good platonic friends until the end of their days. But she was determined to try. Now that she had really thought about it, not just pushed it to the side of her mind, Lupin had taken up much of her thoughts for the past year. Every time she got a little closer to him, it had elated her, especially during those long nights of guard duty together, of missions and simple conversation by the fireside.

Guiltily she recalled her earliest fantasies of her and Lupin being together, as she stood rooted to the slightly damp pavement, unwilling to move quite yet. Whimsical and childish they seemed to her now, lusty scenarios of rampant love and long winter nights spent amusing each other with magical ingenuity and enchanting conversation. She hadn't thought up fantasies like that for a long time, not since she had been a teenager, and it made her feel even more ridiculous. What sort of adult fantasized like that? But, unavoidably, one particularly distracting scene seemed to materialize within her mind's eye, depicting her and Lupin wrapped in an embrace that might have lasted hours or even days.

Tonks shook herself and took a step forward. It would do no good to focus on this now, she decided, trying to strengthen her composure. She just had to be frank and direct about this, nothing over the top. But then she stopped again, recalling suddenly the other reason that she had been feeling so dismal that day. Sirius. What on earth was she going to say to him? He would probably curse her into a million pieces if she tried to go out with Lupin. Since when had he become the over-protective father figure? Tonks gnashed her teeth in irritation and started off again.

She rang the doorbell to Headquarters without thinking and then cursed herself at this stupidity. Several seconds later Sirius wrenched open the door and stuck his head out. His exasperated expression turned quickly to awkwardness as he saw who had wrung. For a moment they both stood there staring at each other.

"Come on," Sirius said, pulling her into the warmth and away from the accumulating snowflakes. Tonks stomped her feet and clapped her hands together as quietly as she could.

They made their careful way past the portrait of Mrs. Black in the hallway and into the kitchen, where Sirius sat her down at the table and pushed a tankard of butterbeer between her palms. Tonks stared at it curiously as Sirius lifted his own to his lips.

"Dedalus dropped these off this morning," Sirius explained after he had downed half his tankard. "Thought we might like some Valentines cheer."

"Valentines?" Tonks choked, feeling her head spin, despite the weakness of the drink. She hadn't even realized that the holiday was upon them.

"Hmm," Sirius replied vaguely, glancing towards the ceiling.

For several long minutes, neither of them spoke. Tonks had been hoping to avoid Sirius until after she had a chance to talk with Lupin but her plan was useless now. Sirius was looking everywhere but at her and Tonks felt very like an unwelcomed but unavoidable visitant.

"Sirius-" she started to say at the exact moment Sirius boomed loudly, "I was out of line."

Tonks stared at him, quite at a loss for words. Sirius cleared his throat with some amplification. "I was out of line," he barked again.

Tonks blinked and tried to speak but only ended up coughing into her butterbeer again. Sirius seemed to be in the throes of discomfort. "What I said to you, this morning," he clarified, as if Tonks had needed reminding. "It was out of order. I was just-"

Tonks took an inordinately large swallow of butterbeer and sneezed as it began to bubble towards her nostrils. "It's alight Sirius, I think I kinda deserved it," she said, realizing unexpectedly this was true. Her wild fantasies of her and Lupin had needed some serious contrast with reality.

Sirius frowned at her, a trickle of beer running down his beard. "I shouldn't be the one to tell you what to do." He tipped his tankard into his mouth, almost simultaneously reaching for another one. "I should've left you alone. But honestly cuz, you're going to have your work cut out for you. I just hope you know that."

Tonks sighed. "I doubt it'll amount to much, to be honest," she muttered drearily.

Sirius shrugged twitchily, looking as though he would be quite happy to end the discussion there and then. But then he jabbed his thumb towards the stairs and said, "he's still here, if you want to see for yourself."


	8. Chapter 8

8\. A Valentine's Surprise

Tonks was vaguely tipsy by the time she managed to haul herself to her feet and climb the stairs leading to the upstairs bedrooms. Sirius had offered her a draft of fire whiskey for courage, being somewhat tipsy himself and, rather foolishly, she had agreed and they had passed the bottle back and forth several times. The resulting warmth had left her feeling if not bolder, somewhat more hopeful. This optimism died slightly when Tonks stopped outside of Lupin's door. What on earth was she going to say to him?

Biting her lip, she knocked, her hand shaking slightly.

"Come in," she heard Lupin call.

She turned the knob and stepped inside, looking around. Lupin was sitting on his bed, several books scattered about him, a bowl of half-eaten stew and a small pot of tea on his bedside table.

"Tonks," he said upon seeing her, closing the book he had been reading and standing with some difficulty.

"You don't have to get up Remus," Tonks said, hurrying forwards and feeling her toe connect with something smooth and hard. _Smash!_ Tonks looked down to see a china tea cup now scattered across the floor in at least twenty pieces. Lupin smiled as Tonks iterated a stream of apologies and waved his wand lazily so that the shards flew back together.

"How are you feeling?" Tonks asked as Lupin settled himself back onto the bed.

"Better," Lupin admitted, patting a spot next to him and glancing at the tea and soup. "Sirius takes very good care of me."

"Oh, good," was all that Tonks could say. She sat down next to Lupin, too nervous to look at him, instead gazing at the books on his bed. "What are these?"

"My hobby, when I'm in this state," Lupin said, holding one up. "All the latest research and developments in magical creatures."

"Oh," Tonks said again. She was fidgeting with her sleeve and had no idea how to say what she needed to.

"You're the second," Lupin said abruptly, saving Tonks the pain of trying to develop anymore small talk.

"The second?" Tonks asked uncertainly, glancing nervously at him.

"Yes," Lupin said matter-of-factually, piling several of his books beside him. "The second woman to see me transformed, I think. Well, apart from my mother that is. That's what I was going to tell you this morning."

Had it just been that morning? Tonks felt as though a week had gone past.

"Very few people have ever seen it, in fact," Lupin continued. "Sirius and James, of course, and Peter. My parents, though they preferred not to. Dumbledore stayed with me one night, a long time ago. And Snape. He likes me better that way I think. Most people just glimpse me on the full moon, and anyone who knows stays away, afraid that I would attack them."

Tonks shifted uncomfortably. She still couldn't say a thing. Lupin was trying to make a point, she had a feeling, and she thought she could guess what it might be.

"The first woman was a girl I was seeing my first year out of Hogwarts. I was having trouble finding a job in my field due to my condition so I worked in a bookstore in Diagon Alley for a year. I met a witch there who had finished school a few years before me. We hadn't known each other then but she liked me and I her. I couldn't bear the thought of telling her what I really was though. I had managed to keep it a secret for so long. I kept her in the dark for a few months, I think. But she came to the house where I was living in the countryside one evening when I had transformed, or so she told me. It was before the Wolf's Bane Potion was invented of course. I would lock myself in the cellar of the house and spend the night as a monster, attacking furniture, biting, scratching, attacking myself."

Lupin paused and took a draft of tea. Tonks stared at him, now unable to look away.

"It's a strange sensation, to transform. Most people think you lose your mind, but it's not that simple. You know what's happening, you just can't remember what you were before. That's the hardest part. You know you're a wolf, and you know you are more than that, but you can't recall much. There were times I knew my name, knew where I was, knew who was around me, but when my instincts took over, I lost it all again. I could control it sometimes, around James and Sirius when we were kids, and I had learned to calm myself when I was alone. But she came in the house out of the blue, hoping to surprise me, I guess. When she found me, I lost it all. She told me later that I had attacked her and she had fled."

Lupin's voice broke slightly and his head sank into his hands. "It was the worst feeling, knowing I could have bitten her, knowing that she had feared me and fled from me."

Tonks stared at him, breathing hard. Lupin didn't look up for a long time. Finally he raised his face to hers and tried to smile, though it was more of a grimace. "I can't do that again, Tonks."

Tonks closed her eyes for several long moments. Then she looked at Lupin straight in the eyes. "I'm mad about you Remus," she said, desperation in her voice. "I don't care that you transform. I've known it for years and I never cared."

Lupin sighed and shook his head. "Well, if there's anyone I can believe that from, I suppose it's you. I don't think anyone has ever offered to spend the night with me quite like that before."

Tonks opened her mouth but Lupin waylaid her. "Tonks, I'm quite a lot older than you, I'm-I'm not a wealthy man. I have no way to provide for you. I live, well, nowhere fitting."

"I don't care!" Tonk said exasperatedly, standing up and placing her hands on his shoulders. "I can bloody well provide for myself, you know. And you can come live with me. Don't tell me you don't feel this, Remus. You've known all along!"

Lupin stared into her shining eyes and took a deep breath. "I knew, or guessed," he mumbled.

Tonks couldn't stand it any longer. She bent forwards and kissed him full on the mouth, his stubble scratching her chin. She felt Lupin pull away at first but then his hand went to her back and his resistance softened. He pulled her close and embraced her, which surprised Tonks so much she almost stopped kissing him. His mouth was rough but enticing and his arms were strong despite his recent lycanthropy. She wound her fingers through a fistful of his hair and tightened her grip. It was almost like her fantasy of one year past, but a hundred times better. She felt as though she could have stayed there for years, forgetting the horrors of the world around her and her work and her profession. But it couldn't go on forever.

Lupin pulled away from her, his eyes closed, his hands gripping her waist. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Tonks stared into them and thought she could see a million different emotions struggling and battling behind those dappled grey irises. After a moment, one emotion seemed to conquer the others, brimming with logical excuses and the gall of self-preservation. Defiance.

"This can't happen," he said, before Tonks could even begin to counter him.

"Remus-" she began, but Lupin pushed her away, gently but firmly and stood up.

"You have no idea the dangers you would be putting yourself in Tonks." He strode to the window and looked out, though his eyes didn't appear to be focused. Tonks knew his mind was in the past.

She stood up herself, her arms shaking slightly, giddiness running through her like liquor. That had been more than a little close. She wanted more but she was afraid to scare Lupin off. His fists were clenching and unclenching and his hair was standing on end. He looked like he was contemplating fleeing through the tiny window. Finally he turned around, not looking at her in the eyes and seized a coat from his bedside table.

"I need to get home," he said bitingly, swinging the jacket about his shoulders and wincing slightly as his body pained him. He strode past a gaping Tonks to the door, opening it and slipping on his boot as he went. He was almost into the hallway before Tonks managed to find her voice.

"Remus!"

He stopped, his back to her, rigid. Tonks swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. I'll be here if-if you change your mind," she stammered, closing her eyes tightly. "And I-," her voice failed momentarily. "I hope we can still be friends." She threw the words at him, praying she had not gone too far today.

Lupin didn't move for several long moments. "I hope so too," he said at last. And then he was gone.

Tonks sank to the floor, running a hand along the wooden grain, feeling an odd mixture of elation and displeasure. Half of her wanted to laugh and the other, more pressing half of her was fighting back tears. She didn't know which to give into. Both seemed appropriate. If only she had been the first. Now she knew why Sirius had been so rough with her earlier.

Tonks sighed and stretched her legs out in front of her. Despair was threatening to overwhelm her and yet…There had been something there, something even Lupin hadn't been able to deny. Maybe there was hope yet. That kiss had certainly been more that Tonks had ever hoped for. Perhaps, she thought as she stood, dusting off her pants, it was a beginning.

 **Note: I'm ending this bit of the story here but I might add a few more chapters from other points in the story line. I'm going to play around with it and will post some if they turn out well. Cheers and thanks for reading!**


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